I don't really know how to frame my question but please stay with me if you think you can help. It's very emotional, so hard to explain.

I'm male, 70, and the youngest of three children. My sisters are 76 and 72, so we're all showing our age. The eldest and I have 100% UK ancestry (English, Irish and Scottish) going back to the early 1800s, and possibly Jewish ancestry going back earlier, but our Solomon ancestors in Kent were staunch Anglicans from at least 1840 onwards, possibly because of a much earlier threat of "Convert or be executed," or so I've heard.

Anyway, our middle sibling is the adopted one. Apparently 1/4 Maori, we were told in the 1950s or 60s.

She also happens to be the most admirable person in my life, and I'm pretty certain, my natural sister's life too. She suffered a hell of a lot, mostly from her adopted, racist, bigoted and violent mother (my natural mother), but at least our father was a wonderful father, and he was not the violent one in the family, contrary to what's "usual."

Our sister now lives in Brisbane, and all her children and grandchildren are all in Australia, and her boys (now in their 40s+), in particular, love their 1/8 Maori heritage and the eldest wrote to me in the 1990s to ask for the words of the usual "Ka Mate! K Mate!" haka that the All Blacks did, which I provided, and also cautioned him about getting a Maori tattoo (which he wanted) until I found his mother's (my sister's) family name, and therefore, his tribe.

I found my sister's natural mother in the 1990s, but she didn't want to discuss her eldest daughter, so, sadly, I had to wait till about five years after she died before contacting my sister's natural siblings, who were literally shocked to learn she existed, and most of them needed a few years to think about it. Long story short, most of them get on incredibly well now, but don't want to know me and my natural sister, for some reason of their own, which is rather disappointing, because she and I obviously helped our wonderful adopted sister to become the wonderful natural sister they now admire. But that's their choice - we have to accept it.

Continued next post...

Edited by dbb at 1:09 am, Thu 7 Nov

dbb - 2019-11-07 01:07:00

So, back to genealogy. I become a bit of a genealogist in about 1984 and started tracing the UK family we knew about, and around 1986-87, adopted sister and her husband and kids moved to Australia. Before she left, I said I would do whatever I could to find her natural family, and, being a realist, warned her that her mother might have been a dockside whore and her father a passing sailor from almost any country on Earth.

She replied the way I thought she would. In tears, she said "I don't care, I just want to KNOW!"

I feel that that would be the most important feeling for any realistic person in a similar position. They just want the facts, good or bad.
.
And what I said partly true but, at least, not that bad. Her mum was 1/2 Maori and from an honourable family, but her natural father -- white and completely now unknown. (For a few years I thought that maybe she and her natural siblings had the same father, which could have been nice, but we just don;t know.)

During my study of British genealogy, I was rather appalled to find that genrerally, illegitimate and adopted children just didn't count, yet nearly every old family has a few of those. Apparently, it was only the bloodline that mattered, and anybody outside it didn't matter at all.

What's the modern point of view of this? Having become embroiled in it through no fault of my own, I think that that sort of attitude is a load of abominable crap, to put it mildly. It's as bad as racism. The "discarded" children were not at fault. Their position was the fault of their parents, both natural and adopted.

I now want to share all of my genealogical researches before I kick the bucket, and I want to reassure my "adopted" grandnieces and grandnephews that, in my opinion, they are lucky because they have double the ancestors that I have, each line (natural and adopted) as legitimate as the other.

** (Takes a breath and thinks)

Wow! I've never previously even thought all of that's in this post, but at least I might have now explained it to myself. What time is left in life might tell.

Got any useful opinions (including contrary ones!) or advice? I really just want to do what's best for my sister and her descendants. So far, I think my sister's children feel that both their natural *and( their adopted ancestors matter.

That's what I believe too.

Edited by dbb at 1:21 am, Thu 7 Nov

dbb - 2019-11-07 01:08:00

Oops! A few typos there that the system wouldn't let me edit at this time of the morning.

The least understandable one "And what I said partly true but,"

Should be:

"And what I said [about the possible sailor] was partly true but..."

dbb - 2019-11-07 01:34:00

Hope it helped putting the story into words!
Very sad when Natural parents will not acknowledge children they have adopted. Almost like giving them away twice. Often seems to be about themselves eg not wanting to face the perceived shame or embarrassment of past decisions. The adopted child only wants the contact and doesn't care so much about the circumstances at the time of conception. And later half siblings usually find out anyway so it is all a bit pointless and selfish, in my opinion. Have an instance of this and 'denial' from birth parents seems to override feelings of adopted child.
Adoptees seem to have to take a lot on board that is not of their own making.
Also find it strange that your adopted sisters half siblings would not want to include yourself and other sister as part of family in some way.
Sorry don't have any advice as such but would the DNA opportunities available now help? There are experts here who know so much about this field.
Sounds like you have great contact within your own extended family and have realistic and mindful genealogical expectations. Good luck.

raffella - 2019-11-07 13:05:00

It's quite usual for extended family to not accept anadopted child as their own, not all at least, some will some won't.They didn't adopt the person, they have no responsibility towards that person.

I guess it relies on friendships to develop with people other than bloodlines, I can love my closest friends more than most of my relatives. That sort of thing.

There are no natural ties between you and your sisters's family, please don't think this reflects badly on you or them.

Good on you for doing the research that brought them together. I've done this too and it is lovely to see new relationships develop even if they ignore me from then on.

jhan - 2019-11-07 21:54:00

Thanks Rafella and Jhan.

I realise that DNA testing of my sister and her siblings might sort out things about her unknown father, but I knew that at one stage nobody wanted to go down that road yet.

While "Lost and Found" is a good programme that often brings tears to my eyes * (and I'm supposed to be a staunch Kiwi male), it only shows the successes, so can cause a distorted perception that the results of searching for lost relations are all sweetness and light.

Not necessarily so at all. There can be shock, horror, anger, bitterness, recriminations, rejection and great sadness too, so I was glad that back in the 80s I ensured my sister would be prepared for anything, and was also very pleased that while it was a costly, long, and stressful road, it worked out well in the end. The rejection of my eldest sister and me hurt at first, but it didn't take long to accept it and appreciate the good that happened to those who were closest to the situation.

Any loss, and particularly the grief of the loss of a loved one, needs to be thought of not as "all the good things I'm missing," but, "I am happy and I appreciate all of the good things that happened." Focus on reliving all the good things and stop thinking about loss.

As Doctor Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." A simple thing like that can completely change miserable and crippling grief.

* That happens because of my life-long memory from when I was about three or four: After another bout of cruelty from a certain person, my sister, aged five or six, was crying and saying over and over, "I want my Mummy!"

I resolved then that I wanted to do something about it.

dbb - 2019-11-08 01:15:00