| 1 | erring on tact
been holding off for 20+ years on tact im adopted
have tracked/found my maternal side
have the name of my birth father … all details
name, age, where he was from (and now closely is), occupations, electoral history … say its 'him' people who know one of us and have met the other say 'yep'
I have tried 'contact' and he totally denies all possibility
he would be in his mid 70's
time is running out
I want to see him … I want to see what others see in 'us' … apparently we 'sit' the same … 'laugh' the same … have a pretty similar 'sense of humour'
I do wonder about the DNA tests (ok that's a lil off track for what i'm mostly after) ... but may help when i found my maternal side ... id known and been friends with an aunty for a number of years ... after i had met my birth mother i said to this lady/aunty 'i met your sister at the weekend'
her instant and very scary response was (having already known this lady as a friend for 10 yrs) ... i know who you are ... welcome to the family ... your the spitting image of your father
sometimes doing stuff with them ... people (extended family) link me with him before linking me with them ok so 30 yrs later
tact ... or bulldozer (ok small gentle but insistant/persistant bulldozer) my mum and dad were awesome
i keep thinking 'i dont want or need anything from this fulla' ... but then realise i do ... i dont care what happened ... but id sorta like to know who am i ... where do i come from ... why do i do some stuff???
and maybe a hint or warning of medical stuff (being of the age of the big adoption era at least medical professionals are 'understanding' when any family history questions are answered 'im adopted') ok sorry for book Edited by pheonix4 at 9:25 pm, Wed 5 Jun pheonix4 - 2019-06-05 21:18:00 |
| 2 | Is it possible to have a quiet talk with your birth mother or aunt? They may be able to give you some idea about whether you should or shouldn't proceed. You don't know the background.
If you actually have a serious medical condition that may be hereditary then it is fair that you'd want to know where it originated, but if he denies all responsabilty, then there is very little you can do.You do need to make it clear that you want nothing but information from him. |
| 3 | I don't think your birth mother or aunt should be involved in any way. You know that this is between you and your probable birthfather. The less people involved the better . You didn't mention how you "tried contact" and how long ago it was. My advice would be to try again directly. You could do it first by letter. In your letter you would reintroduce yourslef , and explain why you believe the relationship is credible/likely. You are good at writing books ( lol) so you will do it just right I feel. You should put in just a handful of photos of yourself growing up - from babyhood, and a little info too. . Explain that you want nothing material from him , but feel that you really need and are interested
in some family background , and that a meeting with him would be a big bonus. You could express your interest ( if you have ?) in half brothers or sisters. Tell him about yourself rather than ask lots of questions at this point. Give him all your contact details. AND... most importantly you need to say that you understand he might need time to think things through but also say that as you can't be sure he has rec'd this letter , you will follow up with a phone call in a specified time - like a fortnight, or a month, just to be sure he did get it. That way he knows you aren;t a threat but you won't be going away either, so he needs to man up and give you some sort of response. The idea is to stress you want nothing more than knowledge or a meeting, and you don't want to cause any bother. You have a 50-50 chance at least of getting a positive response. Go for it! Get back to me and we can discuss more in private if you want. Edited by junie2 at 11:48 pm, Wed 5 Jun junie2 - 2019-06-05 23:47:00 |
| 4 | junie2 wrote:
I don't think your birth mother or aunt should be involved in any way. You know that this is between you and your probable birthfather. The less people involved the better . You didn't mention how you "tried contact" and how long ago it was. My advice would be to try again directly. You could do it first by letter. In your letter you would reintroduce yourslef , and explain why you believe the relationship is credible/likely. You are good at writing books ( lol) so you will do it just right I feel. You should put in just a handful of photos of yourself growing up - from babyhood, and a little info too. . Explain that you want nothing material from him , but feel that you really need and are interested
in some family background , and that a meeting with him would be a big bonus. You could express your interest ( if you have ?) in half brothers or sisters. Tell him about yourself rather than ask lots of questions at this point. Give him all your contact details. AND... most importantly you need to say that you understand he might need time to think things through but also say that as you can't be sure he has rec'd this letter , you will follow up with a phone call in a specified time - like a fortnight, or a month, just to be sure he did get it. That way he knows you aren;t a threat but you won't be going away either, so he needs to man up and give you some sort of response. The idea is to stress you want nothing more than knowledge or a meeting, and you don't want to cause any bother. You have a 50-50 chance at least of getting a positive response. Go for it! Get back to me and we can discuss more in private if you want. Wonderful Advice from Junie, good luck crab2 - 2019-06-06 12:00:00 |
| 5 | thank you
yes junie ...I read replys this morning
so did some thinking time extra info (that I didn't include last night .. testing the water)
birth mother and father were engaged
he disappeared (over night … from town, work, everything) when she was ?7? months pregnant
birth mother and the aunty I know are identical twins …
he was 'best man' at auntys wedding
oh and on the 'engagement' thing … birth mother kept it in case I ever surfaced birth mother is not interested ... aunty willing to help
he can deny me ... but he cant deny her past attemts have been via ph
last one maybe 10 years ago pheonix4 - 2019-06-06 17:11:00 |
| 6 | Phoenix... opposite side of the coin but I am in my mid 50's. I'm mad keen on my family tree but I had no inkling that I had a half sister who was two years older than me. Too busy looking 300 years back I guess and there had never been a hint of an extra one of us.
Anyway just over 3 years ago I got an e mail via Ancestry from a young woman who said her mother had been adopted out etc etc etc. I was initially stunned that I had an extra sister, that I had a niece (my only one) and that my previously grandchild-less mother has a granddaughter and is in fact a gt grandmother. It made for an interesting conversation with my family but we are all ok with our additional relatives.
In terms of the father of my half sister, the person who knows is saying nothing and time is running out. I suspect it is a secret that will be taken to the grave. However my half sister has done a DNA test and by excluding the common matches I share with her, we hope that one day she will get her answer and, if nothing else, will find some more half siblings and nieces/nephews.
So in my opinion, forget about tact. Go bulldozer as you have nothing to lose. What’s the worst he can say? No? He has already said that. However maybe time has softened his stance.
Get a DNA test done anyway, link it on an ancestry website and you find additional relatives by default. They are a part of you as well. Good luck l.e - 2019-06-06 18:22:00 |
| 7 | Maybe send him a photo along with a letter saying you'd like to make contact and that people say you look like him? Assuming he's never seen one. rednicnz - 2019-06-06 19:05:00 |
| 8 | l.e wrote:
Phoenix... opposite side of the coin but I am in my mid 50's. I'm mad keen on my family tree but I had no inkling that I had a half sister who was two years older than me. Too busy looking 300 years back I guess and there had never been a hint of an extra one of us.
Anyway just over 3 years ago I got an e mail via Ancestry from a young woman who said her mother had been adopted out etc etc etc. I was initially stunned that I had an extra sister, that I had a niece (my only one) and that my previously grandchild-less mother has a granddaughter and is in fact a gt grandmother. It made for an interesting conversation with my family but we are all ok with our additional relatives.
In terms of the father of my half sister, the person who knows is saying nothing and time is running out. I suspect it is a secret that will be taken to the grave. However my half sister has done a DNA test and by excluding the common matches I share with her, we hope that one day she will get her answer and, if nothing else, will find some more half siblings and nieces/nephews.
So in my opinion, forget about tact. Go bulldozer as you have nothing to lose. What’s the worst he can say? No? He has already said that. However maybe time has softened his stance.
Get a DNA test done anyway, link it on an ancestry website and you find additional relatives by default. They are a part of you as well. Good luck
you sound a little like me
I think I am erring on the 'bulldozer' side on family stuff … I rem at high school flatly refusing to do 'family tree' stuff 'as I didn't have one'
… got away with that too
my mum n da were great … but came from the uk so our family was them … my older bro (also adopted) and me
all extended 'family' was on the other side of the world
my 1/2 bro hought i was a snob who didnt want to know him ... but when i became aware of that ... i was able to explain that it was more 'i just didnt know how to be part of a bigger family and why' is there a better 'dna' site? ... whats better for nz? thank you all
im glad for this thread ... it has given me things to think about and consider pheonix4 - 2019-06-06 19:14:00 |
| 9 | We both got tests done through Ancestry.com, mainly because it is the one with my main family tree on it...… as opposed to all my other trees on other sites!!!!! They have specials from time to time. l.e - 2019-06-06 19:28:00 |
| 10 | Pheonix - You don't need to be one or the other ( a bulldozer or tactful). You just need to be thoughtful and considerate of him, whilst keeping in mind you have a right to know stuff too. Whatever happened re engagement/rings, who said what etc is not at all relevant now. You will never know exactly what happened way back then , and it doesn't matter . Keep in mind that people change dramatically over 40-50 yrs, so he is not likely to be the same person he was when your mother and aunty knew him. One thing I can tell you ( having worked in this field for 20 + yrs ) is that DIY works better than using another person. Don't be talked out of that - you are the best person for this job! PS DNA is amazing too. junie2 - 2019-06-06 19:35:00 |
| 11 | thanks junie
yeah that was how I found the maternal side … bit freaky to discover id had a friendship with one for years with neither of us knowing we were related!
since reading your reply this morning I have 'run through' letter ideas in my head
im just scared that it will be ignored
...there is one more piece of 'things' that I have been told … but adds to complications … and why he 'needed' to run will do some more thinking I may be being 'thick' … but back to #2 … if im not being thick ill try n follow up pheonix4 - 2019-06-06 21:26:00 |
| 12 | He would be daft to ignore it Pheonix. He doesn't know you are scared. He COULD think you're the stalker, the aggressive type. So he will hopefully feel he needs to deal with this now, because it's not going to go away. Sit in his chair for a moment and think how you'd react to a reasonable letter like that. There is a 50-50 chance he would react the same. You have nothing about him at the moment, so you have nothing to lose. Don't think about the old stuff - truly that's all it is now, just old stuff . junie2 - 2019-06-06 22:57:00 |
| 13 | I think it can be the male pride that gets in the way at times too, not long after my mother died there was a letter arrive for her, and my father was going to burn it but thankfully did show it to me, and I wrote in reply all details about my family/siblings, and did meet up with my new brother, it is quite uncanny as to how there is similarities in mannerisms and even speech, so I hope that you do persevere, maybe he hasnt said anything to his family that you are out there, my new sibling didnt even know that he was adopted till he was in his 40's so it was a total shock for him. gardner12 - 2019-07-09 16:01:00 |
